Friday, February 28, 2014

Who/What do I depend on?

I came to a great realization in my life the other day, one that I would like to share.  I would like to share this more to be held accountable to it than to exhort others, though I will be happy if this is encouraging to anyone else. 

It is known, I believe, that I have struggled here in Spain.  It is not because of Spain in itself, but because of everything that that I feel has been taken from me.  I grieve for what I miss and I have even been angry at times.

I have recently been reflecting more on this, because in my devotions, I read about how God wants us to completely depend on Him and be ALL His, so He weans us from other dependencies. Our security is in God alone, not in other people and not in circumstances.  It really made me think about what I have always relied on in my life.  I have depended a lot on my family, on my friends, on how things are done in my country, on my language, and even on having constant internet.  All of these things have been taken away from my daily life, which has caused me to realize how much I need to depend on God for everything.  While this weaning has been painful most of the time, I really want to come to a place where I am ALL God's.  I constantly find myself repeating, I trust you, Jesus.  I want that to be true. I still struggle, but I am also seeing a change in my heart.  In this major change in my life, at first I was fighting so hard against it.  It was exhausting. Now, I am trying to trust Jesus and let it all go, because "the eternal God is [my] refuge" and I can safely fall into His "everlasting arms." (Deuteronomy 33:27)

This picture has been used a lot in my growing up years as the background for worship songs at church.  To me it has always been the perfect picture showing someone who has completely let go and given all to Jesus. Head bowed and hands up, there is no quick rising to do his own thing.  He is completely vulnerable and full of trust, depending on his Heavenly Father.  That is my prayer.  


Mom said...

I am almost in tears reading this! This is a very important step for you! I am thankful that God has carried you through to this point (although I wish it wasn't so painful)!! I can surely see your struggles and growing spiritual maturity, and am so proud that you have grown closer to Jesus, and not grown bitter for the changes! Love you so very much!!

Patricia Ferko said...

Kristen I cannot even imagine the struggles your facing but be encouraged that it is not in vain. It's so beautiful and encouraging to see how you perservere and let God refine you through the trials. I will continue to pray that your situation starts to look up and that you find strength as you surrender All Of You Christ!
Ecclesiastes 3:11
11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.